Weirdness Factor Times A Thousand
I’ve never had a time in my life where I felt like such a misfit, such a weirdo. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe the energies really are shifting in a way that is moving us toward people who we resonate with on an energetic level…..maybe I really am a misfit? I really don’t know anymore.
I have been a mom for the past (almost) 28 years. Of course, I am still a mom, but the kids are grown now. My role has changed. But for many years, it was about taking care of them and working and a lot of that time was spent as a single mom. I also built a career that although it hasn’t made me wealthy, it has sustained me and my kids. So there wasn’t much time for play and hobbies for a really, really long time. It was about survival. So now I find that I am at a place where I don’t really even know what I “like”. But I do know what I don’t like. And I do know what my path is. And it has been really interesting but not quite in a good way.
I’ve never fit in with society. Never been into fashion. Always had my own ideas about things. Although I was 18 in 1985, I was never a fan of the 80’s culture. I never wore (what looked strange to me) clothes of the 80s. I never had “big hair”. I wasn’t into the music. In fact, I was very much the same as I am now. I always wore my hair long. I always wore jeans. Maybe that makes me boring? Again, I don’t know. (I guess I do know SOME things that I like, jeans and my hair long.) I don’t know the words to Bon Jovi songs and I got ridiculed for never having seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (So does this make me weird?) When I did see it, for the first time last year, I hated it. (Probably explains why I never wanted to see it in the first place.)
In addition to being a mom, I am an energy healer. Yes, this is my full time “day job”. It’s not a hobby. I do therapeutic massage and I channel energy. So add that to the weirdness factor. And I can’t help it, but I am really spiritual. It’s just kind of my nature, I couldn’t change it if I tried. (So add this again to the weirdness factor.) Although I have many amazing friends, they don’t hang out together in a large group. A few of them know each other but I’ve never had large social gatherings to attend (except for family functions when I was married, many many moons ago). So, I got into this new social circle and I was thrilled to have a social life and people to hang out with (they were friends of a friend) and I thought I made new friends…..but (big butt!!) it quickly became evident that they did not accept me. I have some ideas why but I can never really know why. The most obvious thing is really simple; I’m not like them. I can’t make or participate in the jokes or banter because our personalities are so vastly different and I’d have to forsake who I am, and be a hypocrite, to fit in. And being a hypocrite has never, ever been something I excelled at. I could play the “game”, but why be inauthentic? I want to be accepted for who I am, not for who I can pretend to be.
I never set foot in a bar until I was 32 years old. Yes, really. I had my kids young, I was a mom, which meant I took care of my kids and I didn’t hang out in bars. It wasn’t until after I got divorced and I decided that life was too short not to dance, that I finally went to a bar. So the bar scene was not how I spent my youth. So, today, it still isn’t the most comfortable place for me….unless, of course, there’s a dance floor and good music. And heavy drinking has never been my thing. Again, add this to the weirdness factor. How many people do you know who never set foot in a bar until they were in their 30’s?
I am also an e m p a t h. (I had to write it like that because Word won’t let me write the word, it keeps changing it to “empathy”.) An e m p a t h (OK, this must be weird too if I can’t even write the word) is someone who is able to feel the emotions and energies of those around him/her. Big crowds can be a challenge to us. We get bombarded with unwanted energies. Big festivals are a challenge. The only time I have found that large crowds didn’t produce a kind of discomfort was when everyone was on the “same page” meaning everyone tuned into and enjoying the same thing at the same time (like at a lecture or a concert). I have psychic abilities mainly clairsentience and clairaudience. (Which means I “know” by being able to feel things ~ and sometimes I just “know” and I can hear information.) I’m not tooting my own horn. Not at all. Many times these things have been a hindrance to me rather than a blessing. (Just more weirdness points.)
As if all of this was not enough, I have an anxiety disorder. I’ve had it since I was 19 years old. So, that means I have had this issue for nearly 27 years. I am pretty open about it with most people except those I feel are pointedly judging me. (And although, very unspiritual of me, those people can f*ck off!) I’ve found my ways to deal with it. But, yes, another point on the weirdness factor scale. (And, YES, I just made it public information through this blog!! Whoot!)
So…I’m asking myself, where am I going with all of this? Well. I guess it’s obvious that I don’t fit in with what “society” says I should be. Even now. I have no interest in fashion. No interest in the latest make-up and hand bags. None of that. I could care less. I am more than happy to shop in thrift stores and not only save money but “recycle”. I’ve done this for years. There is a funny story. In a past relationship, I was with someone who had family that was very materialistic. They did not like me for various reasons and I was not included at any of their family/friend functions. Just to make a long story short, I said something that someone did not want to hear. I would not betray the confidence of a friend and thus, they hated me for protecting my friend instead of blabbing private information. So anyway, one day before I was ostracized from this family, we were at a brunch for mother’s birthday or Mother’s Day, can’t remember which. So the kids had all chipped in and bought her a much coveted $400 purse. Now, to me this is ludicrous, but to each their own. So they proceeded to pass the purse around the table with the mother instructing each person to “smell it” (I’m not kidding). It was leather. So it was my turn and I really had no interest and I did not want to smell it. So I looked at it and said, “This is very nice.” (Doing my best to be polite.) She scowled at me and asked me why I didn’t want to “smell it”. So I said, “I am sorry. I don’t want to smell your handbag.” She scowled at me again and asked what kind of bag I had. Well, having had enough, I held up my bag and said, “Walmart special. $7.” (I still have that bag, it has served me well.)
I don’t watch TV either. I don’t have TV in my home. So I am never up on any of the latest shows or fads. (Just another point on the weirdness factor scale.) I do read, quite a bit and my library is getting quite big. So, I’m not stupid despite how all of this might sound.
I have belief systems that are outside the “norm”. I question things that many others take as fact (in our society, government and media reporting). I have a very deep abiding belief in metaphysics. (More points on the weirdness scale. What number am I up to?)
And now, last but not least (and probably not even last, but I just can’t think of anything else) I have to be on a special diet for health reasons. I am meat free and gluten free. So I can’t eat out the regular things that everybody else is eating and I can’t even drink beer anymore unless it’s gluten free. (So even MORE weirdness, more not fitting in! Yippee!!)
I’m finding that I feel increasingly polarized from people and things. I find I get ignored at social gatherings. (So I stopped going after trying very very hard to make friends). I don’t get asked to do things because people “assume” that I won’t want to go. I get criticized because I appear to be “aloof” even though my nature is naturally quiet. It becomes hurtful and I have found myself asking more and more where DO I fit in…..?
I am grateful for my friends who understand and have lifestyles similar to my own. I am grateful for a Facebook group of friends who also understand. (Although this is supportive, it doesn’t replace “real” people in your life. It’s hard to hook up with someone on the opposite side of the country for a cup of coffee or lunch.) I do fit in with some, thank the Goddess. They are a saving grace. Someone used to say to me all the time that the spiritual path is a lonely one. Perhaps they were right. It’s something I’ve pondered a lot lately. So I guess this makes me a spiritual non-conformist. Which sounds pretty cool until you find yourself in situations where you are just totally not accepted or included and you’d really just like to be respected for who you are. (I couldn’t change myself if I wanted to, this is just “me”, I’ve been this way for far too long to change it. It would be like trying to change your eye color ~~without colored contact lenses. Just ain’t happening.) And when you stop to think about it….I’m not sure I want to be included because the people are so far away from who and what I am, I can’t enjoy the same things they enjoy. A long time ago, I chose to set boundaries too, and if someone does not treat me with respect, I have found it’s best to just walk away.
I guess the answer is to let your freak flag fly. Do what you do. Be who you are. The right people, who can appreciate who you are, will show up. Let your light shine. Know too, that your light will offend some. (This happened to me earlier this week.) This entire set of circumstances has been a giant lesson for me that I am still in the process of learning. Not quite sure yet where it is leading me. It is new to me. Perhaps it is me becoming more of who I really am…..or perhaps it’s new environments that I find myself in. But the one thing I do know is that I cannot stop being “me” just to fit in and/or please other people. I’m sure that as I figure it out, there will be more blogs about it. (And I definitely welcome your comments and insights!) Right now, I am feeling rather adrift. A quote comes to mind. ““You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”– Christopher Columbus So maybe I am in the process of crossing the ocean and losing sight of the shore.
I know that all of the energies right now, the eclipses (next one on May 25), the solar flares (we are at a peak in an 11 year cycle) are intense. I know that we are being pushed beyond our perceived limits. We are being purified and transformed. We are being changed. We are being stretched. It doesn’t feel quite like a dark night of the soul but I will say that I will be happy to emerge on the other side of all of this. I will be happy to see and absorb what the lessons are. It’s been more than challenging for me. Somehow it feels like the lesson is detachment. Letting go. I’ve read so many things that keep reiterating just letting go during this time and seeing where the energies carry you. I know that I have never in my life felt as polarized from things as I do right now. (Yes, I know I’ve said that more than one time now. It’s just the best way to put it.) I also know we are supposed to be moving toward unity; which is the irony of the whole thing. AND I know that like energies attract like energies. So, it kind of makes sense and yet it kind of doesn’t. I don’t have it figured out. I just know transformation is taking place.
To all the others who rank high on the weirdness scale with me……(what was the final score?) ……let’s have the faith to keep being who we are. Let’s not give in to the demands of society and people who tell us that to be accepted, we have to be other than what we are. Some of us were born different. (Lady Gaga, “I was born this way.”) Sometimes it’s a lonely path. Sometimes it’s hurtful. But let’s have faith that our visions of peace and love and compassion, that our empathy for others, that our refusal to participate in the rampant materialistic consumerism are all really, really good things. Let’s embrace it when people call us weird or call us names that we would ordinarily find offensive. Let’s encourage each other to keep walking our talk and speaking out. Let’s keep knowing that the members of our soul families, our tribes, are showing up for us every day. We are surrounded by a multitude of spiritual entities who love us and guide us and we are never, ever alone regardless of how it feels.
Kathy Lee 5/17/2013
www. Tigerlilysgarden. Com