I’ve been told I shouldn’t write about stuff that’s personal or negative. But the way I look at it, it’s life. Some of it’s personal, but it’s not anything that people haven’t gone through before already, so why is it a big secret? And as far as it being “negative”, well, negative is relative. Everything is a learning experience. So, it is what it is. If you think what I share is negative or too personal, then don’t read my stuff anymore. In my writing I share what I go through and what I learn and discover along the way. This life is a journey of learning and discovery and if what we discover helps someone else who feels alone, then I’ve done something good.
I have learned some giant lessons over the past couple of months. I am almost 46 so it’s kind of interesting that it’s taken me this long to see and learn this stuff. I guess maybe I’ve been inside a bubble for most of my life? I don’t know. My job for many years was in child-care. I owned my own daycare and I worked with the parents and kids one on one. Then after that I’ve been doing massage and healing work for 14 years. Over the years I worked in doctor’s offices (granted, I became friends with them), in the hospital Healing Arts Center, at the center for HIV positive people….and many of my clients are private. As far as my personal life, I have never had huge groups of friends who mingled together. My friendships have been individual as well, with only very small pockets of people who know each other. So I was never in a large group of people, whether it be in offices or within my social circles. My interactions were always very one on one and I never had an issue.
So, what I have been faced with and see is this: people who are back stabbing, two faced, and disloyal. It’s been a horrible reality wake up call for me. They don’t respect that you choose to live differently. They don’t respect when you need space. They don’t respect when you just ask that your boundaries be honored. I have been shocked. I have never seen people behave this way before. What they don’t know is that many of them have spoken to me personally, so it is not hearsay or gossip. I know who they like/hate , then I get to see how they act towards the people they’ve talked about. It’s been horrifying. I’ve come to realize that you can’t trust anyone to be authentic. It all seems like some kind of childish game and I want to run away from it as fast as I can. It’s not who I am.
Now, I don’t know if I am just an idiot. Or if I’ve lived in a bubble. My kids work with the public and they tell me that people are rude, mean and hateful. (And my kids are not, so it’s not a reaction to them.) I never knew this. I had grown up with some kind of silly notion that most people are real, and kind and good. I’ve never experienced much of this hatefulness at all, in my whole entire life. It’s prompted a whole lot of thought about the world we live in. I have always chosen to live my life in authenticity and without hypocrisy. If you don’t like me, then that’s fine, don’t pretend that you do. If I don’t like you, I will be polite, but I won’t be next to you cuddling up and acting like you’re my best friend.
It makes me wonder if this is the people our society has produced. Everything is fake because these are the demands that people feel are placed on them. Pretend you are wealthy when you aren’t. Overextend yourself to wear the right clothes and drive the right car. Watch the right TV shows because everyone else does. Read the right books because everyone else does. Color your hair because society says you shouldn’t look “old”. Follow the standards. Do what you’re told. I have watched people choose sides even when they know that what they’re following isn’t true or honorable. They do it because it’s “popular”. It reminds me of when we were kids in school. Some kids always followed the popular kids, who were usually jerks and made fun of everyone else, and they did it just to be a part of the “in crowd”. Well, I guess part of my “problem” if you would call it that, is that I can’t. I can’t pretend. Everything in my conscience goes against it. I don’t follow fashion. I don’t drive the right car. I don’t pretend that I have money that I don’t have. I don’t color my gray hair. I don’t wear the fashionable clothes. I don’t follow the “in crowd”. I’ve always been just “Kathy”. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s kind of been “what you see is what you get” , so take it or leave it.
It’s really been hard. I’ve been told that I think I am better than everyone else. This is not true at all. I just choose to live my life how I want to live it. I just ask that when I have a boundary, it be respected. I’ve been told to get off this soap box and shut up. I’ve been told to stop posting “negative” things on my facebook. I’ve been told to “forgive” and not let people hurt me. But there’s a voice inside me that still wants to speak and address this.
There are too many who are silenced in the name of CONFORMITY.
But the truth is, people have hurt me. Just because I am not like them. I don’t fit in. And it’s like 6th grade all over again. (What an awful year.) So it’s made me ponder what makes people think that everyone should be the same. Why do we all have to act the same, dress the same, think the same? Can’t we celebrate our differences? Celebrate our uniqueness? I understand that when people want to judge you because you are different, then you have to walk away. You can’t change anyone except yourself, and in this case, I am not changing to accommodate what other people want me to be.
I think if more people were truly authentic then it wouldn’t be such a fight. People would start to accept that others are different and it would be more “normal” that we all aren’t cut out of the same mold. If we can’t even accept our face to face acquaintances, then how to we think we’re going to accept other races, religions, sexual orientations or anything else?
I would encourage you to let yourself shine. Be who you are. Follow your own heart and your own intuition. Sometimes it has negative consequences but those who cannot honor who you really are aren’t worth keeping in your life. Why would anyone want to play pretend and be who they are not just to make others happy? Those days in my life are over.
Speak your truth. Stand strong in your integrity. Be courageous. You are unique, there is only one of you, on the entire earth. Do you know what that means? Yes. You are special just because you are YOU. You have a right to exist and be who you are just because you ARE. Let anyone go who doesn’t appreciate and honor your uniqueness and your individual beauty. Be brave. Be you. You are beautiful just as you are. There is nothing lacking about you. You are a Divine and radiant beautiful spiritual being inhabiting a human body. Celebrate this. You are unique and you are wonderful. Be happy in this knowing. Shine and speak and let your soul shine through without fear. Those who honor your will show up into your life. ~ Namaste. Kathy Lee 9/2/2013 www. tigerlilysgarden.com