I was thinking about stuff today… .(uh-oh, look out) and I realized that I’ve always “diagnosed” myself with low self esteem. I thought that’s why people reject me, why I attract unhealthy relationships, why I can’t manifest what I want. And I realized while some of this is true. We attract what we most deeply believe. (So, if we really don’t think we can manifest something, we don’t.) But then I realized something profound, I am NOT a sheep and I’m not lacking in self esteem. (Sometimes I had the defect of giving people too much benefit of the doubt……but I’m learning!!) I never, ever have been a follower.I don’t follow what anybody says. I don’t follow fashion. I don’t abandon my ethics just to “fit in”.
When I was 3 years old, I told the Sunday School teacher that it was unfair that God would send the little African children to hell just because the missionaries didn’t get to them in time to “save” them. (Yes, I ASKED those questions. They loved me. I also had a sit down meeting with the pastor when I was 14 to discuss reincarnation. It didn’t go very well.) (Well, the doctrine made no sense to me. It wasn’t fair in my 3 year old eyes or my 14 year old eyes.)
I’ve always been told I am stubborn. When I say to family my kids are stubborn, they laugh and roll their eyes and say, “Wonder where they get that?”. I’ve never taken orders well. I’ve never had a “normal” job, I’ve always been self employed. I don’t do what you say just because you say it’s good.
I never understood how things could be seemingly “good” for us that the powers that be say are OK. (This started when I discovered “pop rocks”, remember those, you eat them and they pop in your mouth?) I was a pre-teen and I thought, now this is weird, this is not a natural color and what the hell makes it pop inside your mouth?? Can this be GOOD for you? But then I thought, well, they sell it so it can’t be so bad, right? Well…..NO….but I had a lot to learn. I have always questioned EVERYTHING and if it didn’t agree with me, I refused to follow along. Stubborn? Well, maybe, but that’s not such a horrible thing. Someone used to say to me, “If everyone painted their ass red and jumped off the bridge, would you do it too?” Well, no, not unless I saw a personally relevant reason to do so. (I never did it anyway.)
So, what I realized was that maybe with some aspects of my life, I have lacked some self esteem. Maybe I’ve put up with stuff that I shouldn’t have. But as I’ve gotten older, I have lost the need to “conform”. To anything. I don’t want to wear the right fashions. I don’t want the right make up, the newest phone, the newest I-pad, the newest kindle. I don’t need to keep up with the times. (OK, I’d love a green camaro, just because I think they are bad ass pretty and fast!)
So I told my therapist today, I don’t think my self esteem is as horrible as I think. I feel NO COMPULSION WHATSOEVER to conform. None. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I don’t even watch TV. (And it’s totally bizarre when I do! What weird commercials. Do people really believe this shit?) What the therapist said to me was this, “You have a very strong sense of self and you refuse to compromise your ethics and that is very rare.” …….In fact, I just lost a total community because I refused to compromise my ethics. Sorry. Bye. Too bad. Did it hurt? Yes, a bit. Is there anger? Yes, a bit. (Those of you who follow my blogs know what I’m referring to, I’m going to spare everyone the rehash.) But is there the knowing that I am “me” and I did what was most healthy for ME? Hell yes!!! HELL YES!! (That was worth repeating!) And there is great satisfaction in that. I don’t need or desire to follow the crowd and be a sheep, even if it means I have been ostracized.
I’m here to encourage you today to KNOW. I mean, KNOW, in your heart of hearts, that you are amazing just as you are. You don’t have to have lots of money. You don’t have to have a perfect body. You don’t have to wear the right fashions. You don’t have to drive a new car and have the newest phone. You don’t have to shop and the right shops. You are FREE to make your own choices. Break the mold of what society and most (brainwashed) people say that you should be! You don’t have to! Be you! Be free! So what if people call you names. (Yeah, and some might. They’re threatened by those who walk to their own drummer.) I’ve been called a lot of names lately. But, guess what, the one thing I still have is my personal integrity. And that is priceless. So, follow your heart, even if your heart isn’t into following what’s in fashion, whether it be in your friends groups or what you see on TV. Be YOU. If more of us were comfortable being who we are, what a great world it would be. Be real. Show love. Reach out. Be authentic. Do what makes your soul SING. And SING and SING.
If we all were authentically who we ARE. (We are beautiful souls, full of light and love!!) And stop following what the “world” says we should do and be, we could change the world. So, drop the fear. Drop it, right now. You don’t need it. It only serves you to protect you from danger. Drop the fear of being who you are. Drop the mask. Let’s be real. Let’s reject what insults our souls and let’s work together to change the world. Come on, climb aboard. It’s time to begin. And remember, your are freaking awesome just as YOU ARE. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not. Most people who are genuine will actually like you better when you drop the bullshit. Only the people wearing masks respond to masks. Others see through it. So, come on, be you, be free, follow your heart. Let’s go!!